Archive | October, 2010

The Devil comes calling…

31 Oct

It’s bad enough that I have to live in Apartment 13 with a black cat, but I also have a secret that I have never told anyone. We also live with The Red Devil of Dirt. He mostly lives in the back walk-in closet. Unfortunately he comes out about twice a week or so to terrorize the innocent. And the Human is always home when this happens and she does nothing! Nothing! Oh sure sometimes she might say “Malcolm, Teva, you might want to go hide under the bed now.” That’s not protection! That’s not what we expect, what we need from our Human! No! And get this… she often walks behind The Red Devil of Dirt as if he has some control over her. It’s quite worrisome. Disturbing!

Did you notice that she doesn’t give a warning to Ally. She doesn’t warn Ally to go hide under the bed. Nope. And there has to be a reason, and I think I have figured it out! She’s a minion of The Red Devil of Dirt! When he is swooshing around the apartment, making his non-stop growling noise, Ally just sleeps on the couch.  She is the Minion of The Red Devil of Dirt!

I am not sure that Teva and I can live through this on-going cycle of terror! We can only spend so much time under the bed.  And hey, I AM HEAD CAT! I shouldn’t be sent under the bed! I should be able to look at my human and make sure it is understood that we will not put up with the Red Devil of Dirt! No way! No how!And when I did try and explain this to her, do you know what she said? She said “As long as you plan to continue having fur, The Red Devil of Dirt will continue to visit!”  HRMPH!!!  And I think you all remember what happened when Teva chose the no fur option…… this:

I am not letting that happen to me!!!

However, one look at this guy and it almost makes a cat rethink that decision.

Today, however, was halloween, and the absolute worst possible thing happened. The Blue Devil of Dirt! He appeared! He just showed up! All I can think about is that that moaning Red Devil of Dirt conjured him up with a spell. And he came. To terrorize. To confuse. To leave a poisonous film on the carpet as he moves around the apartment. HOW COULD THE HUMAN ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN???

I should apologize for posting these pictures. I did have a moment of bravery and snuck out to get pictures so that people would believe me that they exist.  I hope these pictures of horror do not haunt your dreams.

It looks like Teva and I survived this round of d0uble horror. I do need to implore to you humans to think.. use your heads before allowing these Devils of Dirt into your homes. No good can come from them! NO GOOD! Please, think of the kitties!!!!!

Listen to me and the world will be a better and safer place. I beg of you!

On the Catwalk…

30 Oct

I’m too sexy for my fur, too sexy for my fur. So sexy it hurts.

And I’m too sexy for Milan. New York and Japan

I’m a model, you know what I mean

And I do my little turn on the catwalk

Yeah on the catwalk, on the catwalk yeah

I do my little turn on the catwalk

 

So here is the deal. All cats (and humans too I guess) have to have that one thing they look forward to all day. For me, it’s the cat walk.  Every night when our Human comes home, Ally, acting as my lookout, waits quietly by the door, and as soon as that door barely opens, that little black cat runs out into the hallway of the building. The human sighs, steps in and slides a book by Sophie Kinsella over to keep the door open (See, chick-lit does have a purpose!).  As she puts down her things, I come out from the bedroom and jump over that book and in to the hall. That cat walk is on!

Ally immediately goes to the end of the hall, directly to her favorite spot. There she starts rolling around.

Do you see her little tail there. Weirdo.

I, on the other hand, have higher aspirations. I have some strolling to do…

The when I find just the right place…. some head sliding…

Some rolling:

Some wall walking…

What do you mean by “Stop That?”

Now I have no choice but to go bother Ally…

She has no choice than to run back into the apartment. I disagree with that, and I keep walking back and forth outsmarting the human with my wit and charisma, until she can finally reach me and she carries me back into the apartment. The cat walk is over.

By the way.. this is on our door. Do you think she is trying to tell Ally something?

 

Here’s a wider shot that includes our apartment number. It seems to mean something a little ominous, doesn’t it?

Oh well! Hopefully we will make it through Halloween alive! Have a happy and safe and Awesome Halloween everyone!

Canada Calling….

27 Oct

Hello Peeps and Peepettes,

Now first off let me tell you that my plan is to do the advice column once a week, but damn man, you all are turning in some awesome questions. And the thing is, When Canada Calls…. you have to reply!

That’s right! Today’s letter is all the way from another Country!

I am International baby! INTERNATIONAL!

Alright.. let’s go!

Dear Malcolm,

I just discovered your blog, and have to say this is something the world has been missing – insight and wisdom from the mighty Orange cat (Heathcliff and Garfield are hacks compared to you). My question – I really love my old dog Cassie, but when the cats overthrow the human race for domination of the world, what will you do with all the dogs?

– Fordy


Dear Fordy Canada Fordster!

‘ello!

Top of the Mornin’ to ya

Eh?

Throw some shrimp on the Barbie, Mate!

Eh?

I would like to take a few minutes here and talk directly to that Canadian beaut named Cassie. Hey Cass! Bow Wow wow Woof Woof!

Now Fordy, bein’ that your Canadian and all, eh, you probably don’t know what I just said to Cassie. What I told her is that dogs hold a special place in this world. While we don’t see them as equals, eh, we do see the need for their existance. And I ain’t talking doggie slavery! No sir! No how! The only slaves I plan to have when I am rulin’ are named Ally-bob and Teva.  Don’t tell them that though, eh?  Anyway back to Cassie. Cassie is doing an awesome job taking care of the Fordsters and surely she will be rewarded. I’ve heard plenty of good things about her from my inside cat on the scene.

No worries Cassie! You’ll have a place of honor in my kingdom. Maybe a duchy in Scotland or something.  Okie, eh, dokie?

Yr Pal and Future leader,

Malcolm J. Scott.


Well that’s it for this awesome entry. Fingers crossed that someone from the Soviet Union make that Russia writes in soon. They probably need a lot of advice there!

Awesome!

27 Oct

I decided that since I am on the cusp of  major bloggy stardom, it was time to call Noted Cat Photographer, Nigel the Barker to come over and do a photo shoot. And it turned out….. how do you say……Awesome.

So anyway, I just want to thank Noted Cat Photographer, Nigel the Barker for all of his help!

I didn’t think anyone could improve on my awesomeness, but you rocked it dude!

More Questions! Awesome Answers!

27 Oct

Wow, make up a few questions, and the real ones start coming in!

And away we go……

From Pinkie Poo

Dear Malcolm:

Can you tell me why NeNe Leakes’ (Real Housewives of Atlanta) hair has decided to run from the right side of her body?  She looks like she’s trying to rock the Peppermint Patty look.


Hey Pinkie!

Well I am more of a Lifetime Network guy myself. Have you ever seen the awesome show Reba? Such acting! Such writing! Lifetime knew what they were doing when they starting running that one 24/7!  However, you didn’t ask about Lifetime, did you? You are a Bravo kinda gal, Pinkster! Now, I will admit that I haven’t seen the latest episode of The NeNe Leakes show, so I don’t know if I can give you a complete and up to date answer but I will tell you that NeNe has some crazy ‘do! It’s like half a lion cut! My sister Teva had a whole lion cut once and while she looked like a freak, she looked nothing like NeNe and her half-lion cut!  You know what they need on that network… more cats. Orange ones preferably. Really, Orange cats would solve most of the problems of the world! Put us in charge of Lifetime, Bravo and The World!

Thanks for the awesome Q, P!

Malker-doodlie-doodle poodle Scott.

Here’s Teva , rockin’ the lion cut!


 

Now folks.. let’s move on to a much more important subject, courtesy of my pal Dexter.

My name is Dexter…..When my human cleans my litter box i tend to go to the batroom at the same time….he seems to get really angry while i’m doing my thing….should i hold off and go eat or continue with my discharge?

 

OH DEXTER! Hey Buddy!

Only one word is needed to answer this: DISCHARGE!

Human’s often misunderstand why we do what we do! However, you and I both know that everything we do we do out of love.  Yep, LOVE. L    O    V   E.

What would your human be doing if he wasn’t cleaning out your box. Watching TV? Drinking some beer? Hanging on the computer? You and I both know that human’s can’t spend all of their time doing that (unless they are watching Reba, of course).

So box cleaning is important!! It’s important for their health and welfare. My friend, Dexter, you are just letting them know that you care. You don’t want them to finish up that box too soon. You gotta give them a little extra. That’s love. Pure and simple. Love.

You keep on keepin’ on now, Dexter. Keep that human in line!

Sincerely,

Your Pal, Mal.

Well I want to thank Pinkie Poo and Dexter for getting in touch. Remember whether you are critter or human I am here for you.

DROP ME A LINE!

You Ask, Orange Cat Answers

26 Oct

A few interesting letters showed up in the mailbox. They weren’t as awesome as I hoped, but I am sure my awesome answers will amp up their awesomeness.

Here we go:

Dear Orange Malcolm,

An advice column? What a great idea. I am sure that someone of your orange magnitude will be able to shed light on so many subjects.  You are wise beyond your years.  Well thanks! See you later.

Signed,

Malcolm Um..Anonymous

Dear Um..Anonymous.

Thanks for the kind words, sir. I don’t know you, but you sound like you too might be orange. Congratulations.  I know that some people (like my human) are skeptical that someone of my young age could be so wise, but brother, believe it. Keep on believin’.

Your pal,

Malcolm.

And another….

Hello, Malker-doodle.

My name is Al. Really. I am a petite cute black beauty. I am almost 13 and find myself in perfect health. One small problem. I live with two other cats, both considerable younger than me. Up until a year ago, I was able to rule that home with an iron paw. No Cat dare cross my path or else they would get swift paw to the top of the head.  Then, last November, everything changed. I had to have a dental and have a bunch of teeth removed. I had to have pain meds and antibiotics.  The Orange slug that I live with saw this as a sign of weakness and pounced on it to take control. Now he regularly pounces on me! What can I do to get things back in the correct order here? A swift paw no longer works!

Al


Dear whiny Al,

Look Girly, It’s common knowledge that orange cats are just natural rulers. Now, I know I don’t know you, but it seems to me that you probably lead a pretty cushy life. You probably eat Fancy feast multiple times a day while others are shut up in bedrooms to eat. Think about that???  You probably get a place cleaned off the side of the couch for you so you can stretch out however you want. While some of us are constantly hearing “Malcolm, get down!” “Malcolm leave her alone”.  You have it pretty cushy babe, don’t forget that!

Your leader,

Malcolm

Well folks that is all the time I have today.  Remember, I am here for you. Any advice you need. Problems you need solved .Turn to me. Just fill out that little comment box over there on the side, and I will do my best to answer it in a timely manner. Well after I eat and sleep a bit.

Alright, stay true to yourselves dudes and remember…. ORANGE POWER!!

A Cousin Pays a Visit

25 Oct

My cousin Chloe came to visit me today.  I think she knows that I am on the verge of Internet Stardom and wanted to get on the band wagon. The Malcolm Bandwagon of Internet Awesomeness. Man, that sounds like an awesome awesome bandwagon.

Let me tell you a little bit about Chloe.  She just turned 16. Sweet Sixteen? No way man! No way!I mean, dude, she got her nose pierced, so take that as you will.

I first met Chloe after I had just come to live with my Human. I’d been there like a day or two. I was young.  A baby. She came downstairs all “MALCOLM! MALCOLM!” (and his is how women usually are with me.. I can’t help it).  I gave her a little hiss and she ran away.  Man I was only about 10 weeks old but that little 10 yr old girl was scared… scared of my awesomeness.

However we are pretty close now. We are tight. Cousins, you know. When she heard I had a blog, she begged to have her picture taken with me…. and so it goes…..

I don’t look very thrilled do I?

This girl might just love me a little too much, huh?

She wants to look lovingly in my eyes… and I am not having any bit of that!

And here comes the Hula.. Since I was a kitten this girl has forced me to dance the Hula with her:

This should be a No Hula zone!  You know?!?!

Anyway, Chloe’s alright. She’s a little misguided, as she has her own orange cat at home and well, he just isn’t me. I feel bad for the kid as I am sure he tries. I am sure that I am his idol and you know, that’s okay. That’s awesome.

Well look… I gotta go keep an eye out on the balcony for birds.. I know they are out there!

Oh and one last thing, I am going to use this blog as an advice column. So if you are a human that has questions on life or love. If you are a cat who doesn’t understands your humans life and loves. Or if you just aren’t sure what’s going on… email me and I will answer questions here in the blog.

Email me at  askmalcolm@gmail.com

(Update: The Human added a “Contact me” thingymabobber off to the right side, so you can send your questions to me that way! Let me help you be Awesome!)

I look forward to helping you out, okay?