Archive | November, 2010

An Email

29 Nov

I got an email today! Whoo hoo! Though, I am not sure what to think of it.

Clever Clover writes:

why does this round headed kitty catty need a blog, facebook, and email? i guess you are pretty orange and contemplating but still

Dear Clover,

You aren’t that clever are you? This sounds like an email from an apathetic teen. So all I can say to you, is this- Clover, there is a whole world out there, and most of the peeps out there are not as clever as you claim to be are. You probably think you know where it’s at.  You probably think you have all the answers. However most people don’t!  They need me! They need someone with the answers to help them out. Get it, Clover? Clever, aren’t I?

By the way, Clover. You might want to learn about capital letters and punctuation. Okay?

Later, Clover.

Yr Personal Guru,

Orange Malcolm.


Christmas Decorating Embarrassment!

28 Nov

Dudes! Help!

My human just got back from running errands, and so Ally and I ran into the hall. Once out there.. we were stunned. Frozen in our tracks.  We saw this:

Dudes! That is NOT our door!

THIS is our door:

That’s it! That’s it!

Does the human not understand? Does she not get that this is not the type of decorating that a cat of my stature requires! Bright lights! Constant Jingle Cats playing.  Hey maybe an announcement when ever anyone comes near our door that says “Merry Christmas. You are now nearing the door of that Awesome Orange Cat Malcolm. Peace to you!” But no!

Then she thinks she is making up for that sad sack door decoration by hanging this on the inside:

O.M.G! O.M.G!

What is happening here? Really? This is decorating? I am so so so so so so so embarrassed to be living here.

Oh and look at our tree:

Notice anything missing? She actually told another human in an email last night that she might just leave it undecorated this year, because it has lights and the lights are her favorite part.  I am sorry! I can not live like this! I need ornaments to pull off the tree! I need a tree skirt to lay on under the tree!

THIS IS A TRAVESTY!  I can not continue to live here in these conditions!  I need ornaments on the tree and I need them now!

Friends, here is a picture from the good ol’ days, when a human decorated, as a human should. Ah.. how I long for last year.

It’s been, like, forever!

28 Nov

Arg! The Human was off work all week and guess what that meant? She hogged the laptop and I didn’t get to blog. And so much excitement happened. Well not a lot, but I try to put a positive spin on things, you know?

Laundry Day

So let’s see..  I guess we will start with Laundry Day. It was nowhere near as fun as a regular laundry day. The human was on vacation so she expected me to do all the heavy labor. Ugh.

So, like, I was just laying there, taking it easy:

When all the sudden, she dumps all the clothes on the bed! Where I am sleeping!

And she says, “Malcolm get to work!” I wasn’t happy about this situation at all! I had to divide the clothing to proper piles. ME!

So to work I go. Sortin’. I was kind of embarrassed about this situation! Imma cat! Not a sorter! Once it was all sorted, I had to put it in the basket.

Once I was done with that, I was done! I told the human to do the rest of it herself. I don’t have opposable thumbs for a reason, you know! Man! I am getting out of here.

Taking it Easy

So the human was a little busy all week too. Her trainer was making her work out every day except Thanksgiving Day, so she’d go out in the afternoon to lift her weights (better she than me!) and then after that drive the Uncle around now that he was post-neck transplant. Sometimes we didn’t see her all afternoon. That’s okay, as long as she didn’t give us chores.

Sometimes, I did try and keep an eye on things:

When the girls seemed to be sleeping and not causing trouble I would snooze a bit too.. Why not?

(Too cold for you Ally-bob?)

Teva, taking it easy too…

And the best for last:


Not much happened for us, just two cans of Fancy Feast Turkey and Giblets. We ate. And we slept.

A visitor comes

I think you will remember my blog about my cousin Chloe coming to visit me. Well her wee sister came yesterday. Whoo hoo!

It’s Alison!! Look at the joy in her face! That’s what I do for people! Bringing the  joy!

I think she is trying to use me as a weight for bicep curls. Crazy kid!

So she stayed the night and that was great. But then she was gone…

I’m not Fallin’ for that!

The human took Alison home and then went to work out and do some shopping. She brought home cat litter! Cat food.. and two big red bags with white circles on them. I don’t know what’s in them but she threw them on my dining room table her bed. However later, it all became clear! They were full of gifts for me! new bedding!

So she strips the whole bed and all that is left is the mattress and the foamy pad that I like to climb under. She looks at me and says “Whatever you are thinking Malcolm, don’t even think of getting up here”. Well as you all know, I know humans pretty well. I know they do all this “Reverse Psychology”. I am not falling for it! If she is putting new sheets on the bed, she can do it! I am not getting up there and helping smooth things out. Oh no! I did too many chores all ready this week! Remember the laundry!?!? Not falling for it!

However.. someone else isn’t as smart… (the elderly, you know!)

Since I can’t let her get all the glory for helping out…

The new sheets were cool, and look a new blanket!

Comfy. Probably cozy too!

I got rid of Ally-bob when it was time to help with the new comforter…

Here I am helping it get spread out on the bed. It’s kind of slick, so that’s pretty cool, but it cause me to accidentally slide around a bit..

No I don’t want to alarm anyone, but it didn’t take me long to see something was wrong…

There was something long, orange and furry on the bed too!

I almost caught it and then it disappeared!

I have to rest now.  Making a bed and then chasing this long orange furry thing was tiring. Turn off the light, human and let me snooze!

And I have one parting thought for you. Remember, one human’s bed, is another cat’s dinner table.

It’s like getting a new table cloth!


What? I’m not doin’ anything!

16 Nov

This is me… just hanging out in the hall. Doin’ nothing.



Oh look.. there is Ally, hiding on the shelf. I wonder why she is there? I’m not doin’ anything!



So now the Human is in the hallway, asking me what I am doing to Ally! I’m not doing anything! Ally takes advantage of the situation and runs away… look at that tail! Embarrassing!


And she makes it as far as the kitchen…. Not far away from me at all…. luckily for her, I’m not doing anything!


So here I lie… watching her every move. I mean, No! I’m not doing anything!


Whoo.. that wore me out. Here I am snoozing while the Human holds me like a baby….


Cafe Press Wants ME!!!

14 Nov

Cafe Press, apparently huge fans of mine, just opened a store for me!

Here’s some things you can buy:


I’ll tell you all, sometimes when Humans are trying to avoid cleaning, cool things happen!

Remember, it’s Christmas Time! Shop Now. Buy Lots! Let’s send the Human to England next August!



Birthday Injustice!

13 Nov

Guys, I am really mad! Mad I tell you!!!!  Now I like to think that I am a selfless cat and I can’t help but lay here in the laundry basket and stew about this one. I can’t stand to see an injustice done and humans, there is a big injustice going on here!

The Victim:

Ally-bob Scott. The birthday girl!

For two days the Human has been telling Ally that she would be getting baby food for her birthday. BabyFood! I can’t wait!!!!!
So here is what happened. The human came home from work with about 25 sacks of groceries all full of baby food. (Editor’s note: make that about 5 bags and only two jars of baby food).  So the Human tells Ally that she could have a jar of baby food after midnight. I can’t wait!!!!!

So for the past hour, Ally has been going crazy! Whenever the Human moves an inch, Ally jumps up on to the table and gets in her “Feed me!!” position.  And the human then says “It’s too early Ally. You have to wait until Midnight”.

Well, This is an injustice! See this picture that I took about a half hour ago:

Here’s the deal humans. We cats don’t wear watches! We don’t carry cell phones! If you are going to tell us Ally that  we she has to wait until midnight then you better make sure that you remember to change all the clocks back when Day Light Savings time ends!

Got it???


Family Day… I guess!

7 Nov

I am mostly writing this post under protest, but I am also writing it as an excuse to get out of cleaning!  Cleaning! Who does this human think she is. Seriously! A little while ago as she was sorting clothes for laundry she said “It’s house cleaning day, Malcolm, and I expect everyone to help out”.  Did you hear that “Malcolm”. Why is she calling me out? What’s Teva doing? What’s Ally-bob doing? Nothing! Why didn’t she say their names?? Hell, why not call out Chatty Cathy. She never does anything except sit around in the back room.

The human also says I need to write a little about Ally and Teva “It’s only fair” she said. My response, “Have them get their own blogs” but I just sighed and agreed to do it.  I was going to do it yesterday but the human was on the computer all day, blogging on her own blogs. Selfish.  Self-ish!

So, since I am so smart, I decided to blog about the girls as an excuse to get out of cleaning! No mopping for me!  Ha Ha!!

Human’s Critter History

The human grew up with dogs. I don’t know why anyone would want dogs, but apparently in the Scott house, it was the choice they made before they got smart. I guess they were young and their brains weren’t fully developed yet, so they wanted Dogs. Dogs!

I think it was about 1991 or 1992 when the human got smart. She was about 30 and that is when their brains fully develop apparently and she knew she wanted cats! Cats! Whooo Hooo!

So for Christmas a friend gave her two. Litter mates. Weird term. Zeke and Ty.  Brother and Sister.



When they were about 6 or 7 years old, the human found a cat in her front yard. A cat who would turn out to be the bane of my existence. Ally-bob.  She was about 1 yr old at the time.

So there they were. Three Black cats, the human and Old Grandma all living together in a little tiny house.  I still don’t understand why anyone would have one black cat, let alone three but that’s this human!

When Ty was 11 she died from liver failure. Ty and Old Grandma were really close so it was sad for her.  So just Zeke and Ally were left.  About 10 months after Ty died, Human saw a sign at the Vet that there were kittens for adoption.   They introduced her to two kittens they had there. A gray male and a white and gray female.  They were about 6 months old and since Ally hated Ty, the human thought it was best to just get a male, instead of another female. So she agreed to take the male. Huckleberry Scott.

However the human kept thinking about the female who was left. Would she be lonely? Would she be okay? Would she forever be a pain to future cat Malcolm?  And so she went back the next day and adopted Teva Jean

Both of these kitten were a bit feral. They had been found at the river park and socialized at the vet office a few months. Huck liked Old Grandma but he was scared of the human and would run out of any room she walked in.  I would have loved to have seen that!

Teva and Huck were always together:

So for about two or three months, the human had 4 cats. Zeke, Ally, Huck and Teva. Zeke was sick with Renal failure and three months later he was tired of fighting it and he went to go be with his sis, Ty.  That evening, feeling very sad, the human sat on the couch and she felt a paw on her thigh,  just like Zeke would often do. Without thinking about it, she reached over to pet “Zeke” but looked over and it was Huck! Huck who couldn’t stand her up until then! Weirdo! Suddenly he liked the human!

That was November 2004. 2005 would end up being a sad year – where the worst and the best things happened to the human.

First Old Grandma was getting sick. Feeling tired and stuff.  Taking a lot of tests. In June, Huck got sick! He was only about 14 months old, but he didn’t make it. No one really knew why, but when the vet examined him afterward, it turned out he had only one lung. Poor dude!

Now it was just Ally and Teva. Did I mentioned that Ally hated Teva! Hated her!

A week after Huck died, the Human went to the vet to pay off the rest of his bill. As she was paying the receptionist said “I know it is too early but we have a couple kittens you have to see”. The Human almost didn’t go back! She almost paid and left! However, I must have had control of her even back then, because I telepathically made her come back.

Back in a cage was me…. oh and my sister a little tortie and my brother who was also an orange tabby. He was named Willie and he was all over the Human. Climbing over her! Wanting to get petted! However, he already had a future home. You see the people who found our mom and us decided to keep Mom and Willie. Apparently he wasn’t as mature as I was and so he couldn’t go off on his own, like me.  Makes sense. So Sister and I were back in the back of the kennel, hissing and growling and showing how tough we were. Then an idea hit me… I needed to make a move. So while Willie was acting all a fool, I sneaked up to the front and started licking the human’s fingers. Connection made!  I’m going to a home!

I said goodbye to Sister and little whiny immature Willie and went to my forever home! And boy did they need me!  My first job was to keep them on their toes! Old Grandma had a recliner that she sat in all the time. I loved to climb under it, and stick my head out the sides.  This would cause The Human to yell “Mom, don’t move!”  And she got on the floor and pulled me out. We did this over and over. It was a lot of fun. The human thought she was smart when she stuffed towels under the recliner and a blanket around the bottom to keep me out of there. No way.. I was too smart for them!  The Human always said “That chair is going to kill that cat!”

Here is Old Grandma and me in the chair! Great memories!

Sadly after only knowing Old Grandma for two months, she went to the hospital and ended up going to where Ty, Zeke and Huck live. It was very sad, and one of the first things that the Human did was have someone carry the recliner out to the garage.  Took away my favorite things to do… all because she didn’t want me to get a broken neck. Bummer.

After that we packed up all of our stuff, our cat toys, cat furniture and cat food and moved into our little apartment.  And here we live.

By the way, see the picture above of Ally and me? Well at Old Grandma’s house, Ally ruled the cat tree. When we moved into the apartment, I knew I was going to put an end to that! Here she was in the cat tree and to her dismay, I climbed right up and in with her.  And that was the last time she ever got up in the cat tree! I rule!

Anyway, we all still live together. We try to help keep our human young and active. We don’t let her sleep late on weekends by jumping up and down on her from the top of the headboard. I like to walk a diagonal line from on corner at the head of the bed to the opposite corner at the foot of the bed, stopping to rest while standing on the human’s hip. All 18  pounds of me! Ally likes to jump up and down from the headboard and tap the human on the head. Up and down. Tap tap tap. repeat. Over and over. Teva likes to sit either on the headboard or in the bedroom doorways and cry. And boy does she know how to cry. It’s so much fun.

We all make sure we eat different foods, too. Ally hates dry food and will only eat Fancy feast. Often, from week to week she chooses a favorite flavor and it is usually not a flavor the Human bought that week. So Ally sits and stares are her. She can stare at the Human for hours! It’s fun to watch.  Teva is a diabetic but no longer needs shots. She just eats a low carb food. I used to eat the same food. A low carb diet helped me maintain my 18 lbs svelte frame.  However this summer I had some problems and am now on a prescription diet of CD. I have to eat in the bedroom as Teva loves my food and tries to eat it all. Can’t do that, Diabetic cat!

I also got some drinking fountains! All for me! And my “problem”.

Like this one:

and then big blue:

It might look like I am scared of Big Blue, but not really. I just needed to slowly check it out. After all if it was dangerous it would fall to me to protect the family.

That is my job.

Super Malcolm.