I decided that since I am on the cusp of major bloggy stardom, it was time to call Noted Cat Photographer, Nigel the Barker to come over and do a photo shoot. And it turned out….. how do you say……Awesome.
So anyway, I just want to thank Noted Cat Photographer, Nigel the Barker for all of his help!
I didn’t think anyone could improve on my awesomeness, but you rocked it dude!
Wow, make up a few questions, and the real ones start coming in!
And away we go……
From Pinkie Poo
Dear Malcolm:
Can you tell me why NeNe Leakes’ (Real Housewives of Atlanta) hair has decided to run from the right side of her body? She looks like she’s trying to rock the Peppermint Patty look.
Hey Pinkie!
Well I am more of a Lifetime Network guy myself. Have you ever seen the awesome show Reba? Such acting! Such writing! Lifetime knew what they were doing when they starting running that one 24/7! However, you didn’t ask about Lifetime, did you? You are a Bravo kinda gal, Pinkster! Now, I will admit that I haven’t seen the latest episode of The NeNe Leakes show, so I don’t know if I can give you a complete and up to date answer but I will tell you that NeNe has some crazy ‘do! It’s like half a lion cut! My sister Teva had a whole lion cut once and while she looked like a freak, she looked nothing like NeNe and her half-lion cut! You know what they need on that network… more cats. Orange ones preferably. Really, Orange cats would solve most of the problems of the world! Put us in charge of Lifetime, Bravo and The World!
Thanks for the awesome Q, P!
Malker-doodlie-doodle poodle Scott.
Here’s Teva , rockin’ the lion cut!
Now folks.. let’s move on to a much more important subject, courtesy of my pal Dexter.
My name is Dexter…..When my human cleans my litter box i tend to go to the batroom at the same time….he seems to get really angry while i’m doing my thing….should i hold off and go eat or continue with my discharge?
OH DEXTER! Hey Buddy!
Only one word is needed to answer this: DISCHARGE!
Human’s often misunderstand why we do what we do! However, you and I both know that everything we do we do out of love. Yep, LOVE. L O V E.
What would your human be doing if he wasn’t cleaning out your box. Watching TV? Drinking some beer? Hanging on the computer? You and I both know that human’s can’t spend all of their time doing that (unless they are watching Reba, of course).
So box cleaning is important!! It’s important for their health and welfare. My friend, Dexter, you are just letting them know that you care. You don’t want them to finish up that box too soon. You gotta give them a little extra. That’s love. Pure and simple. Love.
You keep on keepin’ on now, Dexter. Keep that human in line!
Sincerely,
Your Pal, Mal.
Well I want to thank Pinkie Poo and Dexter for getting in touch. Remember whether you are critter or human I am here for you.
DROP ME A LINE!
A few interesting letters showed up in the mailbox. They weren’t as awesome as I hoped, but I am sure my awesome answers will amp up their awesomeness.
Here we go:
Dear Orange Malcolm,
An advice column? What a great idea. I am sure that someone of your orange magnitude will be able to shed light on so many subjects. You are wise beyond your years. Well thanks! See you later.
Signed,
Malcolm Um..Anonymous
Dear Um..Anonymous.
Thanks for the kind words, sir. I don’t know you, but you sound like you too might be orange. Congratulations. I know that some people (like my human) are skeptical that someone of my young age could be so wise, but brother, believe it. Keep on believin’.
Your pal,
Malcolm.
And another….
Hello, Malker-doodle.
My name is Al. Really. I am a petite cute black beauty. I am almost 13 and find myself in perfect health. One small problem. I live with two other cats, both considerable younger than me. Up until a year ago, I was able to rule that home with an iron paw. No Cat dare cross my path or else they would get swift paw to the top of the head. Then, last November, everything changed. I had to have a dental and have a bunch of teeth removed. I had to have pain meds and antibiotics. The Orange slug that I live with saw this as a sign of weakness and pounced on it to take control. Now he regularly pounces on me! What can I do to get things back in the correct order here? A swift paw no longer works!
Al
Dear whiny Al,
Look Girly, It’s common knowledge that orange cats are just natural rulers. Now, I know I don’t know you, but it seems to me that you probably lead a pretty cushy life. You probably eat Fancy feast multiple times a day while others are shut up in bedrooms to eat. Think about that??? You probably get a place cleaned off the side of the couch for you so you can stretch out however you want. While some of us are constantly hearing “Malcolm, get down!” “Malcolm leave her alone”. You have it pretty cushy babe, don’t forget that!
Your leader,
Malcolm
Well folks that is all the time I have today. Remember, I am here for you. Any advice you need. Problems you need solved .Turn to me. Just fill out that little comment box over there on the side, and I will do my best to answer it in a timely manner. Well after I eat and sleep a bit.
Alright, stay true to yourselves dudes and remember…. ORANGE POWER!!
Yeah, it’s me. Malcolm Jayne Scott. Awesome,huh? I know. I am not really fond of this picture that my human chose for me.
I need to find one where I look a little more Awesome.
Yep, this on is better. I think my awesomeness really shows through here.
Wanna know a little bit about me? Well I am five. Five Awesome Years old. I weigh about 18 awesome pounds. Apparently I eat the most awesome food, because I get shut in the bedroom to eat, to keep Teva out of my dish. Oh she wants my awesomeness!
This is me… trying to let someone.. anyone… hello….. know that I am done eating. Sometimes my person isn’t as awesome as she needs to be.
Oh and here’s one last one… my baby picture:
A lot of awesome cuteness in that photo.
Hey I’ll post soon and tell you how I came to live with this family.. and introduce you to my sisters.. who aren’t so awesome.
Oh well…
Later. 
The Contemplations of Orange Malcolm 